Right up front, I need to tell you I don't like spying on my kids. It takes too much effort, my knees don't hold up well to crouching outside keyholes, and my kids are wise to me anyway. It's easier for everyone and so much healthier for us to discuss online safety and our family rules up front. According to the latest Norton Online Living Report, 1 in 5 kids globally is breaking family rules. I suppose the hidden good news message is that families are trying to set some rules. But what's ok in my house and ok in yours can be pretty different. I get emails everyday from parents trying to deal with their rule-breaking kids in some creative ways.
"My son keeps texting and emailing with a girl we've forbidden him to talk to. He lives at home and I'd like to set up security to block this girl's access to him. Oh, and he's 30 years old."
Ok, I've edited that actual letter just a bit to get to the most pertinent bits. Where do we start, gang? Is it even reasonable to expect a 30 year old man to be restricted by his parent's rules? The parent tried to make the case that since she was paying for the internet service and the son's cell phone, she had every right to decide who he gets to talk to. And she really wanted me to recommend some stealth service to block this girl.
Ideally, the rules being discussed here are for guiding our children to adulthood. Not for restricting adults in the home. For most of us, the objective is to create a set of rules that nurture resilient and mature adult behavior and reduce dangerous online risk taking and illegal activities until the adult child can reasonably manage their life. With an adult son, or all adult family members, the rules need to be a bit different. It is reasonable to want all the household members to adhere to common standards of acceptable behavior (addressing concerns such as viewing porn, using illegal substances, excessive gambling, addictions, etc.) I'm not sure speaking to the wrong girl meets that threshold but if it does for this lady she should consider whether or not she wants to continue providing the roof (and web access and cellphone service) for her son.
Symantec and I just don't recommend or approve of using stealth or spy mode on your computer, cell phone or home network to reinforce the house rules. You think your child resents your interest in their life now? Wait until they discover you've secretly been adding them to the 1 in 5 kids who breaks the rules AND gets caught! It's so much better to openly discuss how rules are to be used in your home and what the consequences will be. You can restrict their web use or add more chores to their assigned list. I don't recommend wholly removing web access from a rule breaker's life since the Internet is so much a part of all of our lives.
How about another real story?
"My son is smarter about technology than I am. I installed the parental controls but somehow he was clicking away on a forbidden site when I walked into the room. I discovered that he had cracked my password to the admin account and could bypass the blocks and filters I'd set up. Should I use something stronger?"
If a smart kid is truly motivated to beat the system and break the filter, more often than not they will. Some use proxy sites to trick filters (though OnlineFamily.Norton blocks most proxy sites); they figure out your password to uninstall software or login as you; they take advantage of you stepping away from the computer to get that same access when you aren't paying attention. I shouldn't mention all the smart kid tricks in case some of them even read this blog!
Having a smart web savvy kid is a definite challenge but not one that will be best met with more technology. Your best bet is to develop the software between their ears, their brains. Talk to them about why you've set up these rules and systems. Talk about online risks and reputation. Discuss the ramifications for any evidence you might find of tampering with your security and safety settings, just as you would for any household rule breaking. Also you should provide incentives for good behavior and adherence to the family rules, such as tickets to a concert or a gift card to Amazon.
And if evidence of a bigger problem such as an addiction to porn or interest in hacking or cybercrime is evident, you may need to engage the services of an expert such as therapists, law enforcement or a trusted school counselor. Don't ignore the problem and hope it will go away because these more severe concerns rarely disappear on their own.